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hey... i knw i am nt suppose to post already... Labels: EMO-ED kent
but being at home doin nth much is really kinda bored...
and well, i did do some thinking tru out this a few days of slacking..
i wana use this chance... to say somethin mayb bad abt myself
or rather apologize to pple who i let down in my life....
hmm... lets start wid, myself... i knw i was quite a let-down... i knw i hav the substance
to succeed in many ways in my life... things like study, basketball, friendship, relationships, family, future planning, finance planning and all sort of stuff u can name it..
everything happens when i starts to get lazy....
the other day i was recalling, the image of me standin outside the class room door just abt to go in for mi lesson, but i walked off and make myself dissappear.
i know i shld hav attended the lesson...
i promised my mom tat i will go...
i force myself to leave the hse no matter wat...
but in the end... it all come back to square 1..
pple asked me in army.... do i regret for being a drop out in poly...
i would of cos tell dem.. regret also no use... cos its a fact already...
infact, i did nt regret dropping out... but i regret takin the easy way out rite from the start..
where i simply go to any course which my results let me in... and i got into this course where they make mi read wave form like the wave form knows me but i dono dem....
its kinda sux when u din do reali well in sch AND no 1 is reali there for u...
pple start blaming u, givin u countless lectures on Y u need to go sch..
but no 1 reali knw how does it feels like to b always being alone in this big sch...
mayb there is.. but they shld most probably ended up like me...
can u ever imagine attendin 1 semester widout speakin more than 15 phrases to ani of yr new class mate? CAN U?? wat do u all knw?? nth... cos u all din experience wat I experience...
u all must b wondering.... wondering if i nv go sch den where i go....
the ans is... i will always b at basketball court.... the place where pple acknowledge mi existance.
where pple gib me the respect of being their friends... the oni place i feel comfortable...
the feeling of always being alone.. is indescripable... but how many of u reali understand all this shit??
kent don reali need advice in life... he knws wat he is doin and wat is goin to happen to him next..
even if u giv him some advice.. most likely, he wont rmb a word after 15 mins... cos he live his own life, he makes his own decision and he do wat he love doing...
so much abt myself... now its time for other stuff...
hmmm... i knw for the past few months or rather this whole year..
i hav nt been myself in the relationship part...
i knw i let down some of you... which i nv imagine tat i will do tat...
i hav been real selfish and oni tot abt myself... i tried every ways to make it least hurtful
but i guess its still hurt quite hard... i din tend to charm u, i din tend to make u fall for me, i din tend to break yr heart, i din tend to lied to you, i reali do care.. but i knw i could'nt do much.. cos its nt up to me.. alot of times u must b thinkin y would i do such a thing to u... well.... sometimes, i reali don hav the choice... don hav the choice to make everything rite.. don hav the choice to make my own decision in life... don hav the choice to make it perfect for u...
its reali pointless sayin all this now... cos everythin has become a fact.. i hav hurt and being hurt.. tats wat relationship is abt.. i wont ask for forgivness.. but i hope dat u will reali hate me till u forget the bad things i did to u...
don get me wrong.... this is nt for oni 1 gal....
its for all the gals tat i had hurt..
u all may think tat i am a flirt guy..
wat can i say?
just think wat u all wana think abt me..
its actually all up to u to judge me..
but i wont care much.. cos... it doesnt bothers me animore...
kent nv fail to blog a long post...
NEVER.... cos everyday... he will always b thinkin constantly...
watever rubbish he can think of.... he thinks...
and he somehow knw wat u r thinkin of...
i will nt say tat he is perfect...
but at least, he is still aware of his faults...
he hav hurt some, but love many...
he lose to much to others and now he is being left 1 side to suffer..
wid watever he is left wid, he is goin to build up his own life wid his 2 hands
and 1 sincere heart... to make ani1 close to him proud...
and that is goin to happen... cos he hav faith in him...
everythin is gonna b great...
tommorow will always b better....
Kent
hey.. i am finally back..
din update cos i din hav the time..
andi din hav the mood..
or mayb i din hav much to say...
well... i shall leave the fuk-dup stuff aside...
don wish to bring it up again...
anyway.. i had quite a good week..
had my SITEST, although i got some insect bites which
is quite irritating.. but at least its nt the worst of all...
and i finally get to clear my guard duty..
it was quite sadenly at 1st.. pple get to book out
and i hav to stay...
but later... i find it quite fun and kinda slack...
time passes quite fast so its quite enjoyable...
last but nt least.. today i went out wid my bunk mate...
suprisingly rite... been seein each other for weekdays
but weekend still meet up...
after goin out... i found out tat this weekend
is my best weekend ever since i got into NS...
when i am wid dem.. there i nth we wont talk abt..
and there will always b laughter every now and then..
overall... i am satisfied wid wat i had...
nth much to tok abt already... i off to slp already...
hey guys... Labels: EMO-ED kent
i am back..
this time round...
my heart is abit held back...
for some things tat had happen...
and things tat are goin to happen...
i dono for wat reason...
i hav been doin reflections every nite b4 i slp in camp..
and i wont get to slp after gettin the conclusion of the reflections...
a few things tat i hav been thinkin...
1st... i knw my character sux...
i like to critisize pple wid their weakness...
and i like to compare my good points wid pple's bad points...
the worst thing is... i will make pple around me to feel the same as i do...
and the result of tat is.. to make tat person i hate to be hated by lots of pple...
2nd... i don like pple to accuse me... even if they did nt do it on purpose..
i will hav the urge to bring my fist to their mouth.. which i nearly do it in camp for gettin
accuse of nt flushing the damn urinal...
3rd.. i always look down on pple who are weaker than me... and think great abt myself..
and forget abt my own weakness...
4th... i always make fun of pple wid their weakness to entertain the rest of the crowd..
which always make the victim nth to say but just to laugh at themself...
friends.. if i ever did those stuff to you guys.. pls forgive me...
Now..
this is wat i felt deeply in myself...
all this days in camp... i din receive any smses until the day i book out...
my phone bat lasted for 6 days and there were still 3 bar of bat in my phone...
while the rest are busy chattin wid their loves 1 over the phone...
i am lyin alone on my bed... placing my phone on my chest... waitin desperately for
my phone to vibrate.. waitin for some1 who bother so sms me...
i din knw tat i would get tat lonely in camp...
i lost all internal emotions and feelings... suddenly.. i dono wat are friends for..
suddenly i feel tat wat i did for my friends are nt impt anymore...
suddenly everythin is like GONE in my whole life...
all my life.. i am always seekin acceptance... hoping tat some1 would accept me for who i am..
but HAHA.. i am nt willing to even reveal myself to any1... to me.. i dono who i can really trust..
cos every time when i wanted to trust some1 wid wat i am left wid... i will always end up being feeling like tat... emptiness and disappointment...
mayb just being alone by myself will make my life a better 1 for myself...
who don wana be love my many?
who don wana hav everythin they wan in life?
all i wanted WAS simple...
but now..
i dono wat i wan anymore...
and kent is once again... being the guy u all knw...
the guy who always walkin around alone at the back while the rest were in their own group..
cos kent don like to mix around... i am anti-social or watever term u all like to name...
i am just being myself... all the change did nt improve my happiness in life...
all i knw now is... i wan to be alone again... enjoyin the quietness by myself...
will any1 bother abt me? sometimes i just wonder who reali will drop a trueful tears on the day when i leave this world... who would really rmb me as their good friends or watever u all wanted to name it... am i being any significant in any 1 of your life??
haha... wat a stupid question to ask... who would come to kent and tell him how great he was to their life... all i knw is... i am tired of all this... tired of doin so much... puttin so much effort and all i always get back was disappointment.. and here i am.. grinning abt my own pathetic life... and who will ever care??
i am back... Labels: EMO-ED kent
din update cos i din hav time to do it..
nth much to update also...
so now i am here
i was havin so much fun in camp...
trainin is part and parcel in army camp...
i realise i improve alot in my physical fitness and appearance
meanin u look more men now..
past few days in camp...
i was waitin for msg from some1..
but tat some1 din msg me until i called her n sms her...
its reali kinda disappointing... but its ok..
no 1 owes me anithin aniway... i knw i shld nt expect too much also..
all i hav to do is.. concentrate on wat i am suppose to do.. which is train well in army..
wats the point of missing some1 when tat some1 say she miss u but
din do anithin to make u feel tat she miss u...
wats word without action??
emptiness...
i reali damn tired nowadays..
i hav been pushin myself too hard for the last few trainins...
trainins is the only way i wont think too much..
i wana b the best in camp..
i wana let pple knw i am some1 special...
i wana some1 to be proud of me...
just any1 will do...
yo.. i am back... Labels: EMO-ED kent
the 1st sad thing happen to me was..
i left my wallet in camp...
meanin.. mi ATM,EZ-LINK,CASH
all inside camp...
-.-...
aniway.. i watch movie wid emily today... bunny house...
in case u all dono who this gal is... she is 1 of the gal i like b4...
but nt now animore i guess... haha...
den suay suay... i was sitting infront of jiahui n her bf..
-.-...
nth to post much also... tml watch movie again i guess...
eagle eyes... but don feel like watchin.. no money le sial...
at nite still goin to hav dinner wid yuefang sial...
plus need buy some biscuit to camp as promised...
KAO....
shld'nt hav left mi wallet inside...
had a pretty good chat wid yue fang actually...
so qiao tat she is in somewat the same condition as me...
so chated quite long and also decided to ask her for dinner
b4 i book in...
aniway.. this is the lyrics of the song of my previous song...
finally found it.. all thx to diane...
真的, 我沒事 - 符致逸
On and on the pain goes on
And it wouldn't just wouldn't die
我竟遠比想像中軟弱且無能為力
對你的眼神選擇了逃避
恨自己 恨自己
On and on the pain lives on
It's hurting so much more
就讓我被悔不當初的罪惡吞去
懲罰過後能否帶來解脫
I'll be fine I'll be fine
So many cried listening to God
讓堅強不只是種偽裝
So many lies listening to you
天亮後 I will be fine
On and on the pain goes on and
I just don't know how to cope
伸手抱住自己是否就能夠不再空虛
最後信念 別放棄
I will be fine
So many cried listening to you
希望你能再給我力量
So many lies listening to you
什麼時候 I will be fine
當我再也不對任何事期待
只剩下你 只剩下你
有天當我捨棄一切見你
請妳要微笑不語
So many cried listening to you
希望你能再給我力量
So many lies listening to you
什麼時候
I will be fine
today is mi book in day... Labels: EMO-ED kent
this few days when i am out of camp...
i feel tat alot of things hav changed...
the pple are no longer there...
no longer there for ani1 animore...
every1 is off for their own good already...
doin their own stuff that is nt like in the past animore...
and me? i hav been thinkin of some1... whom i dono shld i do tat animore...
a some1 who is so dearly in my heart...
a some1 who makes me think of her everynow and then...
a some1 who makes my world upside down...
everythin seems to hav change overtime...
feelings...
thinkings...
peoples...
places..
it just seems nt the same animore...
everythin is like hiding in the dark already...
nt that pure n innocent which i once know it to be...
to that very some 1 which is so special to me...
here is for you..
i don dare to think so much animore
i don dare to do anithin much animore
i don dare to giv in much animore...
cos i am no longer sure whats the very next damn thing that is gonna happen
everythin seems hiding in the dark between me n you...
Loving someone whom you Love is Not Hard but to be The Lover for someone whom u Love is really Very Hard...
this is what i realise gal...
i can wait... but i forget...
its not easy for you...
gal... you knw who you are..
you knw everything single feelings i had for you
and u knw that i will be still waitin for you...
but 1 thing u dono is.. i feel so insecure.. which is driving me crazy..
baby i love you... but do u love me the same way??
thats up to you to think abt it...
the song above.. its a very nice song...
everytime i heard this song.. tears would roll down my eyes for some reason..
and i wan you to listen to it... its for you gal....
i am always thinkin of you gal...
but did you?
did u really treat me as a important person in your life??
or just there to entertain me for the sake of entertaining??
if after reading this post
and you feel that i am wrong abt everytin...
will you just let me knw??
i wish i am wrong abt wat i am thinkin...
i wish everything is fine..
i love you gal...
Yo... so fast and its 2 weeks already... and i am back for 3 days.. Labels: EMO-ED kent
I am nt allow to say anithin regardin the NS trainin..
but i can tok abt mi bunk mates rite.. haha
every1 look different wid their hairs..
after we loose all our hairs.. we look just like the same like each other...
haha... actually i am glad i am in platoon 1 and section 1...
although hav to clean stairs and more walkways.. but... at least mi rm is near the stairs.. and is oni level 2... HAHA...
lets tok abt the pple now...
there is 11 pple in my bunk...
the 1st guy... he is a jap/chi... his dad is a jap n his mom is a chi.. he is quite sociable and funny..
he is FIT also... haha... but he din manage to pass his ippt... he is also my bunk's section IC
the 2nd guy... his face look damn serious 1... like those businessman lidat...actually i don like him at 1st.. but later he start to crap wid us.. den i get to knw him more... a few days ago.. his nose bleed like tap water... scary ok... den he went to medic center and the medic said 1 part of his nose swollen and is dangling in his nose... if the condition is worst...it may b dangling outside his nose... so quite disgusting... he is also the platoon MEAL IC... impt pple
the 3rd guy... he is a malay guy.. and the whole platoon oni got 5 malays.. each rm got at least 1..
out of the 5 malays... this guy is the best man.. he is the JOKE IC which our platoon commader assign him as... no matter wat.. he would nv fail to smile... and his idea is always so weird but creative.. haha..
4th guy... he slp a bed next to me... he is a sign-on regular.. as senior tech... those repair planes 1.. which make him an outstanding guy in the whole platoon... haha.. he is 1 of mi best buddy inside camp... he think alike as me.. regarding arrangement and decision.... he is the platoon IC.. so he need to make alot of decision... sometimes... he would do wat i was thinkin in mi head.. haha... his fitness can say is almost equal as mine... but he need to buck up on his leg muscle...
i respect him ok...
5th guy which is me la.. pple call mi ah beng on the 2nd day already... cos i am like the mos vulgar person in the whole platoon... haha... but i am extremely friendly ok... haha... u all knw alot abt me already...
6th guy... he also slp a bed next to me.. consider another buddy of mine.. always tryin his best to help mi do mi stuff... i appreciate him for refilling mi bottle almost every mornin... haha... his physical condition also almost equal as mine... which makes the 3 of us... like good buddy when we are havin physical trainin... this guy was from JUDO national team ok... so don play play wid him ar... haha
7th guy... this guy is kinda funny la... every1 call him VEGE... cos he is the oni vegetarian in the whole platoon... this guy damn damn impt in mi bunk... cos he is our bunk's alarm clock... if nt for him.. no 1 will wake up on time ok... there is once his clock spoil... den we are late lo... but still appreciate wat he do for us... he sometimes abit GAN JIONG... last few days.. he near chock himself for eatin too fast... haven bite den wana swallow... resultin a chest pain.. so he got himself a few rest days....
8th guy... this is another malay guy.... he abit different from the rest la.. if u wana knw u can ask mi personally la... haha... aniway... nth much abt him la... just tat he is beri close wid the VEGE and hmmm... he complain abt chest pain b4 our 2nd road march.... and got himself a few rest day also...
9th guy... this guy... damn funny also la...damn skinny la... he is the newspaper IC... every1 will b lookin for him on 8pm onwards.... mi bunk always filled wid alot of newspaper.. lol.... he quite weak during physical trainin.. cos he too skinny already... run 2.4 and strain his leg muscle... so got himself excuse from strain activities... den next day.. he do pull up... and injured his left shoulder... hang there oni and injured.. so u all knw how fragile he is rite... haha
10th guy... this guy... the tallest n biggest in size in mi bunk... actually he nt reali big size la.. cos we all small size.. which make him look big.. haha.. he quite close wid me de... always will see him sticking around wid me... he also full of rubbish 1...always slack slack wid mi behind the roles when doin physical trainin... haha.. quite nice friend also..
11th guy... another skinny fellow... he is damn well known in the whole company... no pple dono him 1... every1 call him AH PEK... cos... he 1st day of trainin already complaining a back ache.. which every1 in mi bunk knw its fake... but he reali hav skin rashes.. so he got himself a 5 days off.. haha.... he look like 1 of the character in Lord Of The Ring... well.. aniway.. he is the next guy who i can relate to regarding the way we speaks... abt the same.. just tat he is abit softer nia... and after his 5 day off... he finally get to train... but during a shuttle run trainin... he slip n fall... and scratches all over his body... and poom.. another few days excuse.. -.-... he is the CHAO GENG IC... haha...
so... from all the info on top.. u knw how many pple is injured in this 2 weeks?
11 pple and oni 5 is nt on status... amazing rite... haha...
i get to book out early... haha.. cos i past mi ippt... whole company oni 8 pple pass... i am 1 of dem... haha... but i oni get to pass.. i am aimin for gold.. and for the 4th n 5th guy.. i believe we shld work together and improve together... rather than keep comparing... haha...
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